Health, Mental Illness, News

When Did You Stop Hating Yourself?

Did you ever?

Depression and anxiety and other mental afflictions may be overcome or managed, we’re told, but self-loathing? Does that ever go away? This totalizing regret?

How do you even separate the pain of life circumstances and the tormenting energetic behavior (or lack thereof) of illness?

I “came out” publicly as a depressive more than a year ago thanks to some kind of misguided martyr-ific impulse. The decision has done me absolutely no good. Just one minor negative is the fact that this blog is no longer truly anonymous. However, I’m desperate for a safe forum to vent some of these feelings and seek for help from others.

Where do you find community online?

And what about that self loathing? What about that?

Image: Mime artist Carlos Martínez, via Wikimedia Commons.

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6 thoughts on “When Did You Stop Hating Yourself?

  1. Eva says:

    So good to see a new post from you. I always enjoy reading them.

    As for your question about self-loathing…

    As a fellow sufferer, I loathe how much life I feel I’ve wasted. Sometimes I place blame on the depression; often times I blame my “useless” self for being just too lazy and kicking myself for not doing whatever it was that should “fix me”. That was usually followed by berating myself for not being smart enough to know what the fix was and just doing it. Occasionally I’ll find myself doing things out of self hatred when I know I should be being compassionate towards myself, but I feel a need to hurt this “whatever this is” for not letting me live and when I conclude that “whatever this is” is me, it makes me angry at myself… it always amazes me how cruel we can be towards ourselves. The inner words I wouldn’t dare even think of saying to someone else, yet don’t hesitate to say to myself at times.

    Anyway, thanks as always for your posts! :)

    • You can tell I wasn’t doing so hot when I posted that. Seems like it’s only when I’m miserable that I’m compelled to reach out to people who understand, as you do. I know so much of this experience is about the body feeling things that the mind then starts making up stories to explain (ie. “I suck”) and yet it’s hell sometimes trying to leapfrog that narrative. I tell myself it will come with practice. In truth, the cycles of collapse are longer than they’ve been in some time, but when they contract, when the dip comes, I can’t see anything but the crisis. And that crisis is just being me. Thanks so much for writing.

  2. writingxavier says:

    It’s very day to day. Some days I can’t look at myself without wanting to cry. Some days I’m so grateful to wear scrubs because it removes my need to look at myself. Some days I can dress myself. Some days I can look at my reflection. I don’t think I will ever be better.

    I’ve found dreamwidth to be good for talks and journaling. It’s anonymous, and the person I am there feels more genuine because no one has to see me.

    • Checking it out. I’m glad you have those days of lightness. I’ve begun to see my experience, and maybe all mental struggles, as schizophrenic. My depress mind can’t remember a time I was happy. Conversely, my happy mind wonders at the bleakness I’ve come out of and thinks it will never happen again. I know I should plan, and create buffers for the inevitable, but I’m so happy to outside of it that I ignore the inevitable. … Anyway, today is better than yesterday. That’s enough for right now.

  3. writingxavier says:

    I’m not sure I ever will stop. However the days I can’t even look at myself are fewer. They come back with a crawling sort of insistence that I would be mad at if it hadn’t sucked all of my emotions out with its arrival.

    As far as community, I use Dreamwidth for journaling. It seems like a more private space and less like a podium.

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